The Battle drawers ever near as the date of the debut show approaches. And as a full line-up of Fringe comedians lie ready and waiting to do battle for their hero, tensions are running high and the anxiety is palpable.
And like with any big fight that is about to take place, the trash talk has begun! And who better to kick it off than Ben Clover in the shape of The Incredible Hulk! He’s weighed in with some damning vitriol towards his fellow superheroes.
I personally have always had a few choice words to say about the likes of Batman, Superman and Wolverine, but asked what he thought of his opponents in a recent press conference, he didn’t hold back. Here’s what he had to say:
“Thor is a borderline alcoholic with a magic hammer comfort-blanket and novelty drinking hat. Basically a drunken oddjob man. Also a Viking. Quick quiz: What two antisocial things are Vikings famous for?
Er….let’s not say live on air….
“Wolverine? A Lonely weirdo trying to make the best of his yucky fingernails. Pitiable”
I’m not sure even Wolvie can heal from this one!
“Green Lantern. Who? A traffic light masquerading as a superhero”
“Daredevil? That fool is just a failed Daft Punk auditionee”
Hulk saw you coming, DD.
“Batman is just a psychopath billionaire turned hobbyist mental patient-puncher”
“Cyclops? CYCLOPS?! Loser from Greek Myth with depth perception issues”
No short-sightedness from Hulk here. He certainly knows his Greek mythology.
“Aquaman? What is his thing even? Everyone is 90% water but this guy goes on and on about it”
Will Aquaman swim off to drown his sorrows after this damn-ing verdict. See what I did with the damn thing there? Damns hold water right, so, er, oh…..forget it.
“Leather Boy. I just assume this is Cow Man’s sidekick”
Made a mince-meat burger out of Leather Boy there.
“Judge Dredd is the very worst kind of pedant bastard copper. Wears a helmet to conceal his long lashes, watery eyes and horse-hair wig. The Justice Department clearly gave him an imbecile’s voice-activated gun and told him it was called ‘a Lawmaker’ because he couldn’t operate a basic toggle to switch between ammo types. This Desperate Dan chin-a-like is long overdue a disciplinary hearing and redployment to the evidence room.”
Plenty to say about bent coppers there, Hulk!
“Spider-Man, a dude who runs across the face of each of us while we’re sleeping 6-8 times a year, the pervert”
Will Spidey crawl back into his web after this comment?
“Captain America is sinister tool of the military-industrial complex, probably gave evidence at the McCarthy witch hunt hearings in the 50s”
Political. Did Captain America shoot JFK and start the Iraq war too?!
“Iron Man. Chemical symbol for iron is “Fe”, so really he’s “Fe-Man”, who we all know is He-Man transitioning to a new gender. And the best of luck to him as he does so”
Scientific. Well, Hulk is really a lab rat underneath it all, I guess.
“Hulk. I am the underdog everyman responding to an infuriating world. Also has the best catchphrases. “Hulk Smash” is a brand statement of unrivalled clarity. “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” is passive aggression to gladden the heart of any Englishman”
Wow! He’s very sure of himself. No grass on this greenery.
“Superman. An alien of near limitless power and unlimited dullness. He didn’t have to wear a cape, He chose to. Obviously insecure also. “I have to wear a suit with an ‘S’ on it, so everyone knows I’m super” he whimpered, to himself in his lonely polar ice-bedroom”
Oooh, knock-out blow for Supes there in the battle of the big punchers?
“Ice Man. One half of the sexual tension with Tom Cruise in Top Gun”
Cold. And a little bit gay.
“And last, but not least for now, Wonder Woman. She is just a glorified PE teacher/Rodeo novelty act”
I think he fancies her and wants to ride her like a rodeo bull meslef.
Tough talk from the green behemoth there! But I guess if you are as wide as a bus with muscles coming out of every orifice and can bench-press oil tankers, then I guess you can say what you want.
Let’s see what the other heroes come up in the days leading up to the ‘Battle of the Superheroes’ show. In the meantime, it’s back over to you in the studio….